“I cried a Thousand Tears”……..
I sit here, it’s one of those really dark days…..by dark days I don’t mean the weather, even though it’s a horrible, cold, grey, windy day…which doesn’t aid the mood I am feeling. It’s dark because a home truth has just hit me…..my head feels like it’s going to explode with everything flying off the walls in my memory bank…..I cry, I pace….I have been cleaning the bloody house since I got up at 9.30 this morning, it’s now ten to eight, at night… nothing else to keep myself busy with, so the demons whisper….is it paranoia!! I am not really sure, but it’s real, so real,that the pain I am feeling in the pit of my stomach is squeezing the breath from my lungs…..it’s a pain that no medication can relieve….not even a joint….yeah, it takes the edge off the fibromyalgia, but this pain …there is no escape from it……
Where has it all stemmed from? I’ve been over my life, so many times, in my head, that the memories are imprinted in my brain…. And it’s not the good memories, which are real at the moment, far and few between…..it’s the bad ones that are once again haunting me…
Years of Therapy didn’t work, the pschcologists, psychiatrists, the counsellors, the church, omg, how many, I can’t remember, but it never made sense then and it certainly doesn’t making friggin sense now.
I….Me…dealt with it all, the hurt, the pain, the manipulation, abuse, mental torture. I cried and cried, got angry, cried some more, took an overdose, twice, slit my wrists, ended up In a rehab centre, under went EST….too messed up to realise the after effects this would have on me, for ever……After years and years, I got to a point that I could talk about it all without getting emotional, I’d finally cracked it…I’d dealt with it, come out the other end a better, stronger person! Well so I thought.
Today is a dark day, it’s 7 mins past 9pm… the wind has died down everyone has gone in, families together, kids with their parents, and me, on my own…….
I’m crying, tears rolling down my face, yet i feel no emotion……..yet, it hurts, I can’t explain it, all the emotions have been drained out of me, I am so tired of giving…..there’s hardly anything left to give to myself let alone anyone else, but yet ….I still give….
I want to sob, but I can’t breath…I hold what breath I have left in my lungs, I count, slowly, trying to calm the panic that is starting to rise in the pit of my being, one, breath slow, …..two……..’its ok’ the voice in my head screams…my hearts racing, there’s a hand around my diaphragm , squeezing, …three….exhale, slowly, inhale, even slower, my heart is pounding, my head is going to explode…….four, breath, slow, can’t focus, the tears don’t stop, breath……
It’s dark, fishnets hanging from the roof, the room is dark, and decorated with fish, hanging from the fish nets which cover the roof. The baby is in the camping cot…my sister sleeps on the sofa, the little boy sits watching….watching what? I can’t remember….noises in the back ground…..I dare not move……if I sit really quite, be a good girl like mom said, it will all be fine, they will be back soon….
I sit, frozen… He looks at me…….
Breath……my hearts pounding, please wake up…….I desperately try to send a message to my sister …maybe if I think it hard enough she will hear the message in her head……he gets up…..
Breath……..he walks past me……breath……his belly, his smell……..
‘Stop this’, the voice in my head screams…….I get up, wipe my face, fold the washing….make a cheese cake………
I rescued a bat once , tried to save it for days, how random is that? Don’t ask …..my heads all over today, 42 years of flash backs in a day……..now can you understand why it’s a Very Dark day today..
Cleaned the kitchen again, 3rd time today, haven’t slept since Thursday….,work tomorrow……gawd help me I am so tired…..water bottle, coke, double bed, me…….the dog will follow at 2, the kittens, the mischief little shits, will probably be up the stairs and on the bed, before I have even finished this…..for the night..
Need to try and sleep,wish my brain would just shut down….no not die…just shut down…..close the book, shut the memory doors….turn the voice in my head …OFF……
Snuggle up….to what? ……another reminder….I thought I liked being on my own…..apparently..NoT….
My heads pounding, water bottle on my neck…..it feel like someone has physically squeezed and drained every drop of fluid / energy from my muscles that they are like sheets that have just been through the wrangle…….
‘Can I please do it granny? ……please, you showed me how’ ….
I really need to sleep…….so tired……. Try falling asleep to the sound of the ‘Tudors’ serious….seriously?….yes, thanks house mate….
So to the sounds of a Tudor festival and folk music …………..
Ha, the dogs curled up behind me and the kittens just landed…..23.19….
iPad under the pillow….
Thank goodness for iPads, my brain seems to be spitting out memories faster than my pen would be able to write…at least now with technology speed typing comes into play…
I saw something today that made me freeze……brought back a memory that makes me shudder…..
Inhale, exhale …… inhale, exhale ……..breath……
I some how cannot be asked to type…my thoughts seems to be quicker than my fingers…..or is it that my fingers are so fast..my brain can’t catch up??!!
I have just realised that my iPad has a dictaphone!! Woo hoo.
I sit here And wonder what have I actually done to deserve all the shyt in my life!! But there are NO ANSWERS……..am I on this earth just to help people? Be used? Abused? Hurt? I never once thought that one day I would grow old ON MY OWN….it’s a scary thought…….everyone goes home to a family…I go home…to …….ME….
Surely life has a purpose! what is my purpose? Doors are closed and if I don’t ring people and find out how they going on, or try and keep the family together, no one else bothers…. Me, I think I’m pissed I actually had a drink this morning yeah this morning and I DONT drink anymore.
What Is this state of my mind at the moment??
Confused, again,….tormented!! Tormented by what?. Demons of the past that I thought I had seriously dealt with..
It’s funny how these demons are always present, and pop up at the most inconvenient times…..but I am sure I dealt with them……
I love my parents, I love my dad, but I don’t like him…!! What does that make me?
And surprise surprise…not talking to my mother either at the moment….Why?? fuck Knows…..
As a child one looks up to adults, trust them, adore them, mimic them…..believe in them….. Then they destroy you.
They not only lead you into a sense of false security, they then manipulate the ‘Power’ they have over you and that ‘power’ stays over you for the rest of your life, even when you try to deal with it and exclude it from your daily activities.
Daily activities, that’s if you can master the effort to get on with a daily routine…..
Thoughts, hurts, promises….broken ones….fill my thoughts on a daily basis….it Might not hurt as much as it did years ago, but it hinders the daily routine.
It hinders me that the person who fucked my life , is out there living a very normal life like nothing happened and there is NOTHING I can do to change that.
My father would insist We wore a dress when we went to family get together’s….
This always caused a huge amount of stress and anger. I, on the other hand lived in trousers and would argue the fact that I would not were a dress until it got to a point that a hiding was the next in line…so a dress it would be.
My first bad memory of wearing a dress – I must have been about 6, the dress was a lovely little ‘Spanish number’ off the shoulders, elastic gathered around the top, it could be worn on or off the shoulders. It was white with tiny purple flowers all over it…I really did like it until…..
My gran and I were really close…her infamous memory of me hiding behind a door, for hours, which resulted in the police being called, is one memory that makes me realise that she really did love and care, no matter what anyone said about her, I loved her…
Family get together’s were always big events. All the aunts and uncles, cousins, would all be at grans for dinner, and it was always a spread and a half. I adored my youngest uncle Colin, I think I even had a crush on him at one stage of my little life. He was a mechanic, and it’s his fault that I have an obsession with all there is to know about engines, cars, bikes…..
My gran taught me to love plants, flowers, gardens…..and encouraged me to enjoy all that goes with this. Today, gardening is actually my ‘therapy’. When I weed a garden, I am actually weeding out all the hurt and negativity from others….
I have a book called ‘In The Garden’ .. A collection of gardening Wisdom. It was given to me by a daughter, of an elderly lady I cared for for 5 years, After she passed.
…It’s my little bible…. So excuse me if I slip a little extract in here every now and then…..it help break the tension all these memories cause……
“There’s rosemary, that’s for remembrance…..and there is pansies, that’s for thoughts…” (Ophelia, distributing flowers in her madness, Hamlet IV,v)
T B C …..